By Addison Gettenberg
So, your child has just come out to you as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning. Maybe you have always suspected that your child was LGBTQ but it had never become a reality until they sat you down at your kitchen table and came out. What do you do? How do you embrace who they are in the right way?
This is an extremely important moment in both their life and yours, as well as important for your relationship with your child. Coming out means that your child trusts you and is willing to share an important part of themselves with you. The manner in which you react to your child coming out can have an everlasting effect on your child’s life and how comfortable they feel in their own skin.
A family’s initial reaction to their child coming out is influential – a positive reception helps your child avoid risk factors such as depression, suicidal thoughts, substance abuse and other risky behaviors. In fact, LGBTQ youth who were rejected or abused by their families and kicked out of their homes make up for more than 20% of homeless youth in the United States. According to the Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Study, “Youth who are out to their immediate family and those who are out at school are more likely to report being happy than those who are not out in those settings”, and those who have been accepted by their families for their sexuality also report that they have a trusted adult to talk to if they need.
While each child’s experience and situation may differ, it is crucial that parents first establish that they love their child unconditionally, regardless of whether they fully understand everything, or if they are accepting of their child being LGBTQ. It is important that you are open to being a good listener and to learning, if you are not already familiar, about LGBTQ culture.
So, back to the main question of “how do I react?”. Well, here are some tips to help make your and your child’s coming out experience comfortable and calm.
1. Respond with loving reassurance rather than anger and confusion
It is, of course, totally fine to take some time to adjust to this new altered reality as long as you keep in mind that this is something that your child may have struggled with for a long time. What they most likely want to hear is that you will love them no matter what, and this will not change the way you feel about them. Keep in mind that your child is sharing this with you because they want you to know who they really are, and they trust you!
2. Don’t immediately bombard with questions or pry
Your child will tell you everything they want you to know, and maybe more as your relationship continues to grow. Asking a ton of questions right off the bat can be scary for your child, as the moment of coming out may already be riddled with anxiety. Maybe even they do not know all of the answers to what you’re asking!
3. Allow your child to express themselves
This may be a difficult concept for many parents, but letting your child express their gender and sexuality through the exploration of clothing, makeup, hair, etc., can be extremely beneficial to their sense of identity! Displaying to your child that they can express themselves shows to them that they are important to you regardless of how they look. If your daughter wants to cut her hair short, or your son wants to do his makeup, why not let them?
4. Do not let family members or friends tease your child about their gender or sexuality
It can be extremely hurtful to an LGBTQ child having her family members or friends tease them about their sexuality – something that may have caused them anxiety in the past. To an LGBTQ youth, hearing jokes that reinforce negative stereotypes can be harmful to their self-perception and image
5. Use your child’s correct pronouns
If your child comes out to you as transgender or non-binary, it is very important that you use the correct pronouns for their identity. Doing this will reassure them that you are accepting and open to who they are!
6. If you suspect your child may be LGBTQ, let them come to you first
It is common for a parent to suspect that their child is LGBTQ, and as much as you may want to talk about it with them, maybe they aren’t ready yet. Asking them about it can actually push them farther back in to the closet, making it harder to come out in the future. Allowing your child to come to you when they feel comfortable provides them with a platform that they create, and shows that they trust you.
On top of all of this, make sure to reassure your child whenever you think they may need it, be a good listener if they want to talk and remember that there are a ton of resources, both professional and informal, out there to help both you and your child.
Addison Gettenberg
Addison Gettenberg is currently a Media Studies major with a focus in journalism at Hunter College. She is a born and raised New Yorker residing in Brooklyn. Addison aspires to be a professional journalist, documenting stories about culture, race, class gender and sexuality. She also is a reporter at BEFA, bringing you the monthly BEFA Report! Some interesting things about Addison: she plays the upright bass, speaks Portuguese and loves to skate
